Talking Dog For Sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "Sooo, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some

Flat Tire Final Exam

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? ____

The Miracles of Modern Medicine

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work. He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and it chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ahhh, the
miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again but this time it chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. A few hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ahhh, the miracles of modern medicine did it again!" says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close but this time it chops off his head. Bob rushes over, puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. Three hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room.

A Genie Lamp with a Twist

A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

"I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double."
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish. "I want a beautiful mansion."
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish. "I want 100 millions dollars."
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants. Finally... he asks for his third wish.
"I want you to scare me half to death."

A Man, A Sheep, And A Dog Are Stranded On An Island

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

A Father Is Nervously Waiting For His Child To Be Born

A father is waiting for his kid to be born in the hospital. He's super nervous, pacing back and forth, cigars in his breast pocket ready to go. After what seems like a several days, a doctor finally walks into the waiting room and asks who's waiting for the baby. The father runs up to the doctor.
"Congratulations, you have a baby boy," the doctor said.
"I'm so happy!! I've always wanted a boy! I'm a huge soccer fan and I can't wait to play soccer with my son, go to all his games and watch become a great player!"
"I don't know how to tell you this sir, but your son was born without any legs."
The father fights back some tears, but bounces back pretty quickly.

We Need A New Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, I headed home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I 'cuckooed' another NINE times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, "Midnight."

A Penguin Took His Car To The Shop

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.
The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.
He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you

A Married Couple Went To The Hospital To Have Their Baby Delivered...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The Captain's Parrot And The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!"

Crazy:

Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"

Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!

Ladies:

The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.

I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.

Animals:

What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Blonde:

Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.

Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.

Marriage:

Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha

Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!

Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.

Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.

Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!

Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?

Waiter:

Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha

Relationship:

Relationship:

Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to fight for. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight.

Smartness:

Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'

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To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.