Talking Dog For Sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the dog replies. "Sooo, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some

Flat Tire Final Exam

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them each the 100 point exam. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? ____

The Miracles of Modern Medicine

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work. He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and it chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ahhh, the
miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again but this time it chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. A few hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ahhh, the miracles of modern medicine did it again!" says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close but this time it chops off his head. Bob rushes over, puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. Three hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room.

A Genie Lamp with a Twist

A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

"I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double."
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish. "I want a beautiful mansion."
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish. "I want 100 millions dollars."
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants. Finally... he asks for his third wish.
"I want you to scare me half to death."

A Man, A Sheep, And A Dog Are Stranded On An Island

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

A Father Is Nervously Waiting For His Child To Be Born

A father is waiting for his kid to be born in the hospital. He's super nervous, pacing back and forth, cigars in his breast pocket ready to go. After what seems like a several days, a doctor finally walks into the waiting room and asks who's waiting for the baby. The father runs up to the doctor.
"Congratulations, you have a baby boy," the doctor said.
"I'm so happy!! I've always wanted a boy! I'm a huge soccer fan and I can't wait to play soccer with my son, go to all his games and watch become a great player!"
"I don't know how to tell you this sir, but your son was born without any legs."
The father fights back some tears, but bounces back pretty quickly.

We Need A New Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3AM, a bit loaded, I headed home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I 'cuckooed' another NINE times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, "Midnight."